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Pastor Response
The Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that anyone can change. This is called repentance and transformation. While many have focused on the Greek word for repentance (which means a change of heart) this did not capture the true meaning of the Hebrew word for repentance (changing direction and behavior). Unfortunately the Greek word was the best that they had. The Jewish concept of repentance meant to turn around. This suggests that repentance involves not just a change of heart, but behavior modification.
Abusers can change but this involves:
1. Confessing their sin to all people whom they have hurt. It also involves validating those whom they have victimized.
2. Stopping their controlling and abusive behavior.
3. Entering a batterer intervention program and doing whatever it takes to modify their behavior. This takes at least two years of aggressive work.
4. Being in accountability with other men who will call them to be men of peace.
5. Allowing their partners/spouses and family to heal at their own pace (not according to the abuser’s time scale).
6. Allowing the victim to make the choice to enter back into the relationship.
7. Forgiving themselves for their behavior and developing relationships with people who will empower them to be what God has called them to be.
Change is possible—but it involves work, faith, and healing.
Dr. Ron Clark Agape Church of Christ Portland, Oregon
Pastor Response
A pattern of abuse and violence does not change easily or quickly. It is important that this is understood both by the abuser and by the victims. An abuser may be genuinely sorry for what he has done, and may sincerely resolve to be different, but old patterns of violence or control do not change without considerable help and accountability. The victim who sincerely loves the abuser may be too quick to accept gifts and apologies and promises, and believe that the home is safe when that is not the case. The abusive person must first deal with deep-seated anger, issues of self-worth, or the lingering results of an abusive childhood. Addictions to alcohol or drugs may need to be addressed. Patterns of thinking and acting must be changed, and that takes time, commitment, and professional help and even during that process of receiving help there may be much anger and resentment. However, there is hope. Abusers can change with help, and they can experience the forgiveness of God. In the Bible, the transformation of the apostle Paul from being a violent persecutor to a man willing to suffer because of his love for others is a testament to the change that God can bring about. The faith community can be an important part of the process of keeping the abuser accountable, and the men in the church can serve as models of how to love their families. By setting very high standards for love and safety in the home, the church becomes part of the process of helping the abuser learn that violent and controlling behaviours are unacceptable.
Steve McMullin, MATS RAVE Fredericton Team
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