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Pastor Response
. . . if your husband is an abuser, I want you to know he is sinning against God, as well as you! He has no one to blame but himself for his own behavior. He may have seen abuse in his family as a child. It is possible, very possible, that he may have learned his abusive behavior from his own father, who abused his mother. However, that is only one possible explanation for his abuse, not an excuse. There is no excuse for abuse! Your husband may also have been abused as a child. That is true of many abusers. Nevertheless, he is still responsible for his own actions and reactions. He cannot blame anyone else.
For complete sermon, click here.
Rev. Robert Owens Retired Minister in the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.)
Pastor Response
Most men grow up being taught that certain behaviors are acceptable for a “real man.” We call this the “man box.” Men who display behavior outside the “man box” (such as crying, being dependant, showing weakness, showing emotion, not providing for their family) are labelled as female, emo, gay, sissies, or wimps. When a young boy falls, gets hurt, and cries – his dad many times exclaims, “quit being such a wuss/girl/sissie/baby.” Thus, men learn, at a very early age, that girls/women express behavior that is bad.
They learn that weakness is unacceptable and those who are weak are not “real men.” Men also learn that the only acceptable emotion they can show is anger.
Abusers are men who do not have the tools to develop healthy relationships. They are like men who try to change a flat tire with a hammer and a screwdriver. They damage themselves and those around them. Due to their own insecurities they try to control those closest to them. They need to control their loved ones because it makes them feel good
about themselves. Since anger is their common emotion they use it in order to gain control. Since women represent behavior they have been taught to control and repress – they likewise try to control their partners. They use whatever means necessary to gain control. This includes controlling behavior and verbal, spiritual, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse.
For this reason abusers who are involved in church or leadership in the church become extremely dangerous. They use Biblical texts that are designed to empower women, to control and subordinate them. They look past compassion and the empowering love of Jesus and use the texts to justify controlling their partner. Instead of reflecting the God of peace they seek the God of power over others.
Dr. Ron Clark Agape Church of Christ Portland, Oregon
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