|
Advocate Response
Often, when the relationship starts out, the abuser puts the victim on a pedestal and may seem “too good to be true”. The attention is flattering at first. I have a friend who calls this “manipulative kindness”, because it won’t continue forever. Once the abuse starts, victims begin to think that that their loved one is “sick”. If she married “in sickness and in health,” then this can be a real trap. If he cries and apologizes after episodes of abuse, it breaks her heart. The victim feels pity. She feels sorry for him. She probably doesn’t want the relationship to end and doesn’t want to deprive him of the children. She just wants the abuse to end. She doesn’t realize that if he shoves her, it will probably never go back to a shove. It will escalate in frequency and severity. I’ve read that if you put a frog in cool water that heats up very, very slowly the frog will eventually boil to death, because it doesn’t realize how hot it’s getting. It’s the same with domestic violence. Victims aren’t stupid or weak or codependent. They become psychological hostages. They trade their escape skills for coping skills, because they instinctively know that leaving could get themselves, their children or their family hurt or even killed. As strange as it sounds, too, after having most off her family and friends alienated by the abuser, sometimes he’s all she’s got left. She has been forced to see everything through his eyes for so long that, to some extent, losing him may mean losing herself. You combine this dynamic with the facts that he has the money, the job, the house is in his name, the world is on his side, etc. and it’s a wonder that victims ever leave at all. But they do. They have left. They are leaving. They will leave again. And you just hope to God that when they do, there will be someone there to hold their hand, someone who is non-judgmental and who can tell them where to go for safety and support.
Survivor and Domestic Violence Advocate, Charlotte, NC
Advocate Response
To those outside the relationship, it may be hard to understand why women don’t just leave an abusive relationship, or why if they do leave, they often go back to their abusive partner. The following factors create barriers for women leaving an abusive relationship:
- Economic dependence
- Lack of affordable housing
- Religious and family pressure to keep the family together.
- Fear of his suicide
- Minimization and Denial
- She believes she deserves it
- Love
- Guilt
- Shame, embarrassment and humiliation
- Fear
Karen Walroth Executive Director Action Committee against Violence Calgary, AB
Advocate Response
It has been said that we find it “easier” to stay in what’s familiar, as horrific as it might be, than “risk” the unknown. When you feel isolated and your self esteem has been crushed you feel trapped. It doesn’t matter if you are a professional or stay at home full time. When you are convinced that what happens in your home/marriage should not be discussed with anyone outside, you are alone. Before long you are also convinced that everything that is wrong is your fault. If you would only change, everything would be just fine. Although somewhere in your mind you know this isn’t true, your rational self has no validation. You can’t talk to family or friends so the only voice you hear is the one that blames you and tells you that only you can make things right. You stay, looking for ways to fix things. After all, no one else would put up with you, now would they?
Connie Henderson Charlotte, NC
Advocate Response
There are too many reasons to list. I believe one of the most compelling reasons – besides fear – is isolation from support systems and economic opportunities. Too often the abuser becomes the primary support system for a woman and her children. Without knowledge of or connection with community support systems, a woman can remain emotionally and economically trapped in an abusive relationship.
Nancy Gause Director, Circle House Columbia, MO
|
|
