Why don’t women leave men who abuse them?

Therapist Response

Many women do leave. To leave safely can involve a process that lengthens the leave-taking, causing many people to think the woman is prolonging the abuse. Many factors affect a woman’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship – including financial realities, faith beliefs, the desire for an intact family, hope the relationship will improve and fear that leaving will make the abuse worse.  As well, the realization that because she has children with the man who is abusing her, she will have to continue to deal with him slows down many women’s leave-taking. Many abusive men are harsh with their children but not harsh enough to prevent them from having visitation. The woman sometimes realizes that she will be less able to protect her children if she leaves and her children will have a relationship with their father without her as a buffer.

Another reason many women stay is fear. They know that leaving will heighten their partner’s anxiety and anger, making him potentially more violent and dangerous. Most partner homicides occur when the woman is leaving or preparing to leave.

Carolyn Rexius, LCSW Executive Director Christians as Family Advocates Eugene, Oregon