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Advocate Response
This can be extremely difficult, even if you’re the one in the abusive relationship! I think that’s because we all have different definitions of abuse. If we grew up in an abusive family, for instance, such behavior might be perceived as “normal”. It comes down to this, though – is the relationship built on mutuality, respect, partnership and equality? If so, there won’t be abuse. If not, you should look for the signs, which can be very hard to see from the outside, because both the victim and the abuser will be hiding them. If you suspect someone is being abused, ask yourself, “Does the person have to account for their whereabouts, ask “permission” to go places, do things, spend time with friends, etc.?” Is their partner jealous, possessive or insecure? In an abusive relationship, there is a distinct power hierarchy. The victim is forced to give up her/his dreams and desires, while the abuser can do whatever he/she pleases. Abusers will typically push for early intimacy and commitment, because they know if they can create a bond of caring, they are more likely to be able to manipulate the relationship. I tell my clients that they shouldn’t avoid setting boundaries or even creating some minor conflict in a new relationship. It helps to know how someone reacts when they don’t their way. Of course, the biggest red flag is that the person has been abusive or violent with others in the past. Those raised in violent home are also at risk to repeat the behavior. But it all ultimately boils down to their belief system. Do they think they have the right (and/or the responsibility) to keep their partner in line? If so, abuse is almost inevitable.
Survivor and Domestic Violence Advocate, Charlotte, NC
Outreach Worker Response
Disclosing abuse to another person can be very difficult. Some indicators that a person may be in an abusive relationship might be: The victim is distrustful of others, may obsess, worry or appear anxious about their own performance, loss of appetite suddenly, express feelings of hopelessness, isolated from others, is emotionally withdrawn, detached, have startled response to movement, refuses offers of assistance, cry easily, and exhibit stress-related illness. These are just a few indicators
Maggie MacKillop HomeFront, Calgary
Advocate Response
Physical scars are much easier to recognize that the emotional scares. However, mood changes are a good indication that something is wrong. With friends and family members you may have less and less contact as the victim is being isolated from people who love them and might be inclined to support them. Do you observe more jealousy from the abuser? Or perhaps the observed interaction between the victim and the abuser is strained?
Connie Henderson Charlotte, NC
Advocate Response
During the early stages of relationships, we are often so focused on enjoying one another that we go out of our way to please. We say “Yes” to keep things rolling and are devastated by the abuse we receive when we eventually say “No.” By now, however, we are too emotionally, spiritually, even financially invested in this person to simply walk away.
Say “No” early and often. Abuse is a control issue that is condoned and supported by the abuser’s thought processes. Abusers like to get their way. They believe they have a right to control others’ lives and to use the measure of force necessary to gain and maintain that control. What happens when you say “No” to your partner? Does your partner punish you for this response (i.e., through withdrawal of affection and attention.)? Does your partner coerce you to change your answer (i.e., through tears, pouting, pleading, anger, accusations, violence)? Or does your partner respect your choice (i.e., acceptance with an explanation of why they don’t like your answer)? The first two responses indicate efforts to control you; the third indicates respect for your right to make your own decisions even if those decisions do not serve your partner’s wishes
Nancy Gause Director, Circle House Columbia, MO
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