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Stories of Hope and Inspiration After Violence Response from a PastorAs I read this story, I suspect that Bill’s story is probably less straight-forward than it first appears. People whose lives have been characterized by addictions often convince themselves that their story is simple: they had problems in the past, they have learned from their mistakes, and they now have gained the willpower they need to live differently. From my experience as a pastor, I would say that for someone whose downward spiral of addictions reached the point of being imprisoned for 15 months for domestic violence, the road to a new life characterized by healthy relationships is a long journey that requires many steps. From a spiritual point of view, I am troubled by Bill’s use of religious language. Although I do not know Bill personally, I am always concerned when religious language is used to express one’s ability to gain control over addictions and problems instead of using the language of faith to express one’s need of grace and mercy. Bill mentions God’s plan and God’s grace, and recognized that he cannot change without God’s help, but then he also talks about working hard, about proving himself, and about showing others his changed actions. His comments may be quite sincere, but I am not convinced that Bill has yet faced the extent of the problem in his life and his powerlessness over addictions. Bill thinks that he needs custody of his daughter, and to get that reward he is willing to exert great willpower to overcome his addictions. But what happens when he has custody of his daughter and the relationship isn’t what he has dreamed it would be—when he has to face the normal stresses and emotions of father-daughter relationships? For me, the fact that he views the custody of his daughter as a reward for his sobriety is a red flag. I believe that the faith-based program has been an excellent first step for Bill, but it is only a first step. The fact that he is coping without alcohol or drugs, and the fact that he has a new attitude of hope are huge steps forward. However, there need to be several more steps before Bill can truly leave his past in the past. If I were Bill’s pastor, I would encourage the following: 1. I think that he should stop focussing on gaining custody of his daughter. It appears that for now she is being well cared for in the home of his sibling, and he may want to become more involved in her life through regular visits or activities. But from his comments, I fear that he is not yet ready for the normal stresses of being a full-time parent. He needs to ask himself what is best for his daughter, instead of thinking about what he wants. I am also wondering if someone has talked with his daughter about whether she is ready to be in her father’s care. 2. He needs to develop friendships with emotionally healthy men in a church community. Bill needs to surround himself with men who are not addicted. He needs to learn from them how people live without addictions. He needs men who will encourage his faith and hold him accountable. If he is honest with the other men (and hopefully they will insist on such honesty), he will find such friendships quite stressful at first, but through those relationships hopefully he will learn a great deal about how to cope and he will be able to prepare for the much more stressful responsibility of being a father. 3. I would want to ask him what he has done to take responsibility for his past actions. Has he addressed the harm that he has caused to those to whom he was violent? He makes no mention of the victims of his violence. Has he thought about how he needs to bring healing to the relationship with his daughter before he regains custody? If she was a victim of his violence, or if she witnessed his violence in the home, then she may be far from ready to be in his care, regardless of whether or not he feels ready. Using the scriptures to lay a foundation for his hope and confirming God’s ability to transform his life, I would try to encourage Bill to have a long-term view as he prepares for a new future. It will take time for new patterns of thinking to replace his addictive patterns. He will need prayer, caring friends, and a patient church community that will hold him accountable while not judging him. Steve McMullin, |
