Stories of Hope and Inspiration After Violence Stories of Hope - Lesson #4 Advice Advocate Response

Response from a Advocate

1. What are Drew’s greatest needs at this time in his life?

Drew only refers to the situation as an incident. It may have been the first serious physical assault, but he makes no mention about the prior dynamics of the relationship. He doesn’t say anything about how’s his behaviors have changed, just that they are better. Most
> physical assaults in intimate relationships are preceded by controlling, insecure, jealous, emotionally abusive behviors. How accountable is Drew to any of those characteristics, and what would his wife have to say about it? He certainly needs continued support from peers that also hold him accountable, and individual counseling to search out the roots of, and heal some of his own pain.

2. What might a local congregation offer to a man in Drew’s situation?

Support groups, but not just for batterers, something like a men’s health group. Whenever men’s groups get together to talk about health, the issue of stress plays a large role in the conversation. Anger, and how they deal with it, can often be traced to the source of much of their stress. Anger management then becomes a necessary part of all around good health. Exploring constructive ways to deal with anger in a larger main stream way gives permission to men to acknowledge how anger and violence has hurt them. A mentoring program for newlyweds is another way to help foster healthy ways to deal with stress in relationships. Match up a young couple with a couple who’ve been married 30 years or more. It would be better if the mentors were not related, and had some training through the church on counseling and confidentiality.

3. How could a minister in the local area where the Barley family resides make connections with them?

Invite them to a big church dinner or picnic, hope they attend, make them feel welcome if they do, and maybe they’ll want to come back again. In Drew’s particular case, asking him to be involved in some type of sporting group sponsored by the church may draw him in as well. Or, attend a meeting of the batterer’s invention group and tell them about the support programs offered to the congregation. Make them feel they won’t be judged, let them know the spirit gets wounded too.

Kelley Lucero
Shelter Outreach Coordinator
Columbia, MO