Mending Broken Hearts Mending Broken Hearts - Lesson #1 Advice Pastor Response

Response from a Pastor

As I read this story, I am immediately concerned that neither Claire nor George are even recognizing the problem.  They are both very broken people who have brought serious and unresolved problems into a marriage, and those problems are being covered and excused in a variety of ways as Claire blames herself and as George blames alcohol. 

If Claire and George came to me for help, I would want to do three things immediately.  First, I would want to devise a plan to keep Claire and the children safe.  Then I would try to arrange for some kind of individual counselling for George and for Claire, so they could begin to deal with some of the issues that have never been adequately addressed.  Finally, I would suggest ways for the faith community to become involved in their lives in ministries of encouragement and accountability.

Since Claire is unwilling to leave the home, I would want to arrange a safe place where she knows that she and her children can go at a moment’s notice.  Since George “often” becomes violent when he is drinking, she needs to understand that she and the children must leave the home as soon as the drinking begins, instead of waiting until the violence begins.  The safe place should be of her choosing, but I could provide some options.  It might be a local shelter, or it might be the home of someone in the church or in a church in a nearby community, or it might be the home of an understanding family member.  As a pastor, I would want to assure her that God does not want her to be the victim of violence, that no one deserves such abuse, and that she can and should act to protect herself and her children from physical or emotional harm resulting from George’s violent episodes.  I would also want to express my support, the support of the church community, and the support of the scriptures for actions that she takes to keep herself and her children from harm.     

George obviously has not recognized the seriousness of his problem, and needs to be held accountable for his violent behaviour.  While I would hope that a counsellor would confront George about the seriousness of his alcoholism and deal with the underlying causes of his anger and addictions, I would also want to find some men in the church who would provide George with friendship, guidance, role models, and accountability for his actions.  Since alcohol serves as a catalyst for George’s abusive behaviour, I would encourage him to recognize that he needs help with alcoholism (it doesn’t sound as if George is willing at this stage to go to a group like AA).  At the same time, I would strongly encourage Claire to go to a support group such as Al Anon.  I am also concerned about Claire’s financial vulnerability.  Although the story does not tell me, I wonder if George controls all of the finances.  I would try my best to convince George that in light of his addictions Claire must be given a substantial amount of financial control in the household. 

I would then consider how the faith community could make a difference.  Although pastoral visitation in the home is a good beginning, the pastor will need to involve more people from the church community so that the he does not carry all of the responsibility (and emotional strain) alone.  With their permission, I could arrange for some people to pray regularly for George and Claire and their family.  Although I would choose trusted people who could keep information confidential, the knowledge that others are praying for their needs might begin to destroy the veil of secrecy that usually accompanies domestic violence.  I would encourage George and Claire to become part of a small group that would put them in regular contact with people who model healthy, loving family relationships and who seek to apply the scriptures to their lives in authentic ways.  Hopefully in time they would develop some trusted friendships in the group that would provide some additional resources in times of stress. 

I think it would be very helpful to connect Claire with some of the women in the church.  They may be more effective in helping Claire to gain a sense of personal identity as they share with her their own experiences and help her to build relationships of trust and openness.  

Finally, since George and Claire are attending church services together I think it would be important for the pastor to include a prayer from time to time for victims of family violence in the context of hope and grace.  Though I think it would be unhelpful for George to feel like he was being targeted by the pastor’s sermons, I think that the pastor could find suitable ways to address family violence occasionally in sermons.  Such comments could re-enforce what the pastor has said privately to George, while affirming to Claire that she is not to blame.

Steve McMullin, MATS Rave Fredericton Team