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Mending Broken Hearts Response from a Advocate1. Why do you think Mildred sought spiritual care in the aftermath of crisis at home? As a woman of faith, it was natural for Mildred to approach her pastor for support and guidance. Her pastor’s demeanor must have been one of great compassion and caring, which is so important if a victim is going to share her story and her fears. Mildred was very isolated by her abusive husband and must have trusted her pastor to not violate her confidentiality. If she had thought that Rev Jones might go to her husband to either confirm her story or to confront him directly, she would never have approached him. In a small town atmosphere, this must have been utmost on her mind, as confidentiality was critical to her safety. 2. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Mildred’s situation? A congregation can believe and support women like Mildred. They can stand with them in times of trial, pray with them and offer them resources, information and help with practical needs. They can refuse to collude with an abuser who is trying to turn them against the victim, as is so often the case. In Mildred’s situation (no doubt due to the small size of her town and the probable lack of a battered women’s shelter), members of the congregation offered their home as a safe haven until Mildred and her mother could move to a more permanent secure location. 3. How would you evaluate the pastoral response of Allan Jones to Mildred and her mother? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? I think Rev. Jones did a superb job. He understood domestic violence, did not question Mildred’s story, never judged her and stood by her throughout her crisis and beyond. He understood that safety alone needed to be the first priority, not restoring Mildred’s marriage or focusing on the relationship. He took it upon himself to become further educated and to collaborate with others in the helping community, after receiving Mildred’s permission to do so. He did not act alone or try to handle it all “in house”, and did not collude with her abuser or allow her husband to hijack Mildred’s support system. He listened to Mildred, validated her and empowered her. He acted as a shepherd, a confidant and an advocate. He was patient as she struggled through the tough times that followed her escape. By continuing to remind Mildred that the abuse was not her fault and that she had not violated her Christian values by leaving her husband, Rev. Jones became an important “touch stone” for her, providing consistency and a reality check whenever she began to fall back into the pity trap, which could have easily jeopardized her safety. Above all, he modeled the love and compassion of Christ. Because of this, Mildred can say that her faith community played a major role in her journey to safety and wholeness. 4. Do you think there would be resistance in the congregation to Rev. Jones’ intervention? Why or why not? Rural communities and small towns tend to be very traditional, tight knit and family centered. I think that it is very possible that some congregants could have been resistant. The public in general does not understand domestic violence. Since Mildred had always kept a smile on her face and “put up a good front”, there may well have been church members who thought that she surely must be overreacting. I suspect this would be true especially if the abuse that had Mildred experienced had not been overtly physical. Often the very negative impact of verbal and emotional abuse is underestimated and the possible escalation to physical abuse is not understood. Some members might have been upset with the new pastor for supporting a wife in leaving her husband. However, since Mildred was an older and beloved member of the church and because both she and her elderly mother were evicted from the family home, I suspect that many church members would be especially sympathetic. Had Mildred’s husband been a respected member of the church or church leadership, it might be another story. In such a case, there would almost certainly be some resistance from certain church members who ‘sided with him’. 5. In what ways did the pastor build bridges to the community in his response to Mildred? Pastor Jones talked to other professionals in the community so that he could understand Mildred’s situation more fully. He sought a place for her and her mother to stay and he located other resources. He helped her lawyer to comprehend why her spiritual life and its values were important and how they were impacting her feelings and decisions. He acted as an advocate and an unofficial case manager, which in large part explains how Mildred was able to successfully make the break from her abuser. Julie Owens |
