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Mending Broken Hearts Response from a Pastor1. Why do you think Mildred sought spiritual care in the aftermath of the crisis at home? Mildred sought spiritual care in the aftermath of the crisis primarily because her church is her real home; the one true place where she feels safe. Since she is a deeply spiritual woman who is active in congregational life she needs to know that the God she worships and the people she worships with still love and accept her. In fact, Mildred desperately needs approval. She herself is not certain, that she has done the right thing by telling Reverend Jones the truth of her life. She continues to be haunted by two very daunting questions: “Will God forgive her for leaving Russell? What about the part in the marriage vow that says, for better, for worse?” Mildred is most likely afraid that she will lose her God and her church family, in addition to losing Russell. Her fear is not an unfounded one. It is not uncommon for abused women to be openly rejected by their pastors and their churches while their husbands receive support and prayers. In fact, one woman who belonged to another denomination came to me with a similar story. Her marriage had been arranged by her father when she was sixteen years old. For fifteen years she had endured public humiliation, physical, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of this older man who was her husband. When Sue (not her real name) finally left, her father and brothers refused to have anything to do with her and they forbade her mother from having any contact with her and her children. Sue kept going to church until the day her pastor told her to leave. He said “you are making the other men feel uncomfortable.” She left. Reverend Jones did not respond in a negative way when she first talked about the small details of her marriage and life at home, thus Mildred was able to come to him in a time of crisis because she already felt accepted by him. 2. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Mildred’s situation? A few suggestions might be:
3. How would you evaluate the pastoral response of Allan Jones to Mildred and her mother? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? Allan Jones responded in a compassionate and timely manner to Mildred and her mother. He quickly realized that it would not be wise, neither would it be safe, for the two of them to return home after Russell’s rage and ultimatum. Reverend Jones treated the women with dignity. He offered validation and support with his active listening skills as they told their story. He used his ability to take concrete action to find them a place to stay within the community. Reverend Jones’ success in getting Mildred and her mother to a safe place was due in large part to his pastoral skills and his ability to put the safety of these two women above all other concerns. I have been in situations similar to the one in which Allan found himself. It is essential that when an abused woman confides in you and seeks your help you make time for her. You may never get the opportunity again. Clergy need to act responsibly when dealing with the victims of domestic violence. It is not moral, neither is it ethical, to simply tell an abused woman who shows up on the church’s doorstep to go home and be a better wife, as if she is somehow to blame for the bruises on her face. Making her leave will not make the issue of violence in Christian homes disappear. Although I applaud how Reverend Jones handled this particular situation I would caution other clergy to notify the appropriate authorities (Police or RCMP) before they act on any abused woman’s behalf. If not, you unknowingly could be placing her, yourself and others in danger. On one occasion when I had taken in an abused woman and her children, I had the RCMP drive by my home at different times each day. I had given them the model and license plate number of the vehicle her husband drove so that they would know if he was harassing us. Months later, after this woman and her children had moved to a transition house, the RCMP called to say that they were closing the file on this domestic situation, unless the abuser was still harassing me. I certainly appreciated the essential role they played in keeping all of us safe. 4. Do you think there would be resistance in the congregation to Reverend Jones’ intervention? Why or why not? There is great potential for resistance in the congregation regarding Reverend Jones’ intervention. Allan has only been with the congregation for 3 months and the church elders may blame him for bringing this “awkward” situation to their attention. In fact, they may not want anything to do with it at all. You can almost hear them talking amongst themselves: “Surely it isn’t as bad as Mildred says it is. Russell is a braggart who likes his fast cars but surely Mildred is wrong about him. And what will the other church families in town think? Doesn’t Reverend Jones realize that this ‘family spat’ has the potential to tarnish our church family and its ministry in the community? We’ve got to make Allan understand how important it is to get Mildred and Russell to reconcile! People are already beginning to take sides. Old Mr. Curtis is talking about leaving over what he calls ‘this stuff and nonsense.’ What’s wrong with Mildred? I used to think she was a good church woman.” With resistance comes division, and in my experience when a clergyperson helps an abused woman there is lots of both. Members of a congregation do not want to believe that an abuser is among them. They tell themselves: “Christians are good people. They have given their hearts to Jesus. Abusers live on the streets. They are poor. They do not go to church. They do not know the Lord.” By helping Mildred, Allan is challenging the congregation’s assumptions about faith and domestic violence. He is showing them that abusers can be Christian men they know and their victims can be deeply spiritual women who are involved in congregational life. 5. In what ways did the Pastor build bridges to the community in his response to Mildred? By addressing Mildred’s needs for safety and shelter Reverend Jones was also building bridges to the community in which he lived and worked. He was showing both his parishioners and other townspeople that he had credibility; here was a man who could be trusted to do the right thing if an abused woman came to him in need. Reverend Jones also demonstrated the importance of teamwork. Clergy need to network with other professionals with more specialized skills and experience related to families and violence. Allan’s actions also signaled to the townspeople that he wanted to be pro-active in addressing the issue of violence from a faith perspective. By standing in solidarity with Mildred and her mother and by remaining strong in his resolve to enlist other members of the congregation to become involved in helping, Allan was acknowledging the need for the Christian community to take off its blinders regarding abuse and to actively engage in both dialogue and action concerning this social issue. Reverend Jones’ position was very clear: “God does not expect women to live in violent marriages. Love is not about bruises, black eyes, and damaging words.” Unfortunately, because Allan’s interpretation of Christianity and abuse is not fully embraced by all clergy it is important for the other professionals to know what he believes so that they can turn to him when an abused woman wants to talk about her situation within the context of her faith. Rev. Kelly Higgins Response from a Pastor1. Why do you think Mildred sought spiritual care in the aftermath of the crisis at home? Leaving an abusive relationship is a difficult choice for any woman and may be especially difficult for a Christian woman. In addition to the practical concerns such as where to go and how to provide for herself and her children, Christian women may be plagued with spiritual questions, like: is God testing me? did “for better or worse” mean this? is this what God means by “submission?” is leaving for my safety and/or the safety of my children a sin? why is God allowing this to happen to me? what does God want me to do? Mildred may have sought spiritual care in order to help her address questions such as these. Clearly Allan was helpful over a sustained period of time in assisting Mildred to come to a fuller understanding of God’s plan for family life. 2. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Mildred’s situation? Family violence is an issue which crosses ideological boundaries. Christians must not compromise biblical principles, but rather be guided by them in ministering in crisis situations to people who have lost their spiritual bearings and are extremely vulnerable. Individuals and families who are affected by family violence often have a variety of needs, including some or all of the following:
No single individual, agency or organization can meet all of these needs. Just as the needs are different but not mutually exclusive, so the roles of the various care givers are different but not mutually exclusive. Dr. Lois P. Mitchell |
