Mending Broken Hearts Mending Broken Hearts - Lesson #2 Advice Therapist Response

Response from a Therapist

1. Why do you think Mildred sought spiritual care in the aftermath of crisis at home?

In this scenario, Mildred is described as a “deeply spiritual person” and in her pastor’s words, “a beautiful Christian.” Many women whose personal relationship with Christ is meaningful to them will seek help from a pastor when they are in crisis. For Mildred, even in the midst of being in an unsafe, abusive marriage, she still wanted to consider what was appropriate for her as a Christian. Because she had already shared some details of her marriage and her life at home with her pastor, when the crisis occurred, she already felt safe to approach her pastor again. In the aftermath of the crisis, she needed help in unraveling her distorted beliefs regarding her husband’s responsibility for his abusive behavior and her responsibility to get her safety and the safety of her mother. She also needed to know God still loved her dearly and Rev. Jones appropriately addressed her concerns and spoke God’s truth to her.

2. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Mildred’s situation?

This congregation did offer what she needed most in the immediacy - temporary housing
which offered Mildred and her mother safety and some time to determine how to address
their other needs. Mildred and her mother could also use an advocate, possibly a parishioner who could help them identify services in the community for victims of domestic violence, legal aid, housing, and eldercare/caregiving services for her mother. During this transition time in particular, the congregation could also have someone make weekly calls, meet them for coffee, take them to lunch or have them over for dinner to provide brief distractions from the crisis they are experiencing. Because Mildred’s husband was irresponsibly spending their money, she may need financial assistance which the congregation could consider offering.

3. How would you evaluate the pastoral response of Allan Jones to Mildred and her mother?

This pastor did so many things right in ministering to Mildred and her mother during this crisis. He must have given the impression of being a very caring pastor because after only three months of pastoring in this church, Mildred opened up with Rev. Jones about her life. Very soon he noticed the incongruence of her outward body language to the inner turmoil of her spirit and emotions. This attention to not just the contents of her story but the presentation alerted him that Mildred was living in a difficult situation. He found out how difficult when she left him a note on the pulpit asking him to meet with her. He met with her immediately, listened to her story, found a safe place for her and her mother to stay and escorted them to this church family’s home.

4. Would you have responded in a different or similar manner?

As a professional Christian therapist, I would also have addressed Mildred’s spiritual concerns regarding marriage. In responding to Mildred’s cry for help, I probably would
not have been a position to offer her housing or get housing for her so I would have asked if there was somewhere she and her mother could go, maybe to her her daughter, Anna. I would help develop a short-term safety plan for her and her mother while leaving which could mean calling the local sheriff to be with her at the house when she packs. If she has no place to go, I would help her get into the community Shelter. The staff at the shelter would provide temporary housing for her and hopefully her mother. I would also recommend that Mildred file a restraining order since her husband recently tried to kill her.

I would not have said to Mildred, “you’ll see this was the best thing that ever happened to you.” Abuse is never the best thing that can happen to anyone at anytime. The promise we are given in Romans 8:28 states that everything works to the good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose and God continually uses what man has meant for harm, God can use for good as stated by Joseph to his brothers who had abused him (Genesis 50:19-20). But all of us who work with victims of domestic violence need to be very careful and sensitive and never spiritualize abuse. It is usually after the crisis has escalated, that God’s promises can be introduced to bring healing for the victim.

As a pastor offering housing, Rev. Jones needed to assess the danger first by asking Mildred if her husband has tried to kill her, if he has a gun or other weapons, and to give this information to the family who has agreed to house Mildred and her mother temporarily. They need to know the potential danger to make an informed decision.

4. Do you think there would be resistance in the congregation to Rev. Jones’ intervention? Why or why not?

There could be resistance to the pastor meeting with a female parishioner alone because
of the potential appearance of impropriety and because Mildred’s husband could accuse
them of having an affair. There could also be resistance to providing housing for Mildred and her mother because of potential danger to the family and possibly some legal liability.

The lack of resistance in the congregation would come from their trust of Rev. Jones and the willingness to be Christ to these women who desperately needed Jesus with skin on.

5. In what ways did the pastor build bridges to the community in his response to Mildred?

Rev. Jones received Mildred’s permission to talk to others in the community who work with domestic violence so he could better understand Mildred’s pain and despair. In recognizing his limitations, he broadened what he could offer to Mildred and the next victim. He also educated Mildred’s lawyer on the role her spiritual life has in her decision making regarding Mildred’s resistance to ending her marriage and quickly forgiving her husband. It is very common for victims who are Christians to believe if they don’t forgive quickly then they are being unfaithful to Christ and to their marriage, as if they are committing the unforgivable sin. Because the pastor could understand Mildred’s behaviors from a spiritual perspective he was in a position to help her attorney hopefully have more patience with his client.

Catherine DeLoach Lewis Licensed Professional Counselor Charlotte, NC