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Mending Broken Hearts Response from a Advocate1. What are Brenda’s greatest needs at this time in her life? Brenda’s greatest need is some sense of security and support to offer her the feeling that she is not alone. Messages such as “you are not alone,” and “I am concerned for your safety” would be helpful. Really, Brenda’s needs for emotional and physical safety are paramount. 2. How did Pastor Ruth begin to win Brenda’s confidence? Ruth began to win Brenda’s confidence by treating her with respect, being caring and non-judgmental. 3. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Brenda’s situation? A good start would be asking Brenda what her needs are, what she wants. In terms of practical help, Brenda needs assistance finding safe and secure housing. The provision of baby supplies would also be useful. Doctors in the congregation may help her access health care resources. If she chooses to return home, help her access whatever resources she needs. Honour Brenda’s feelings of loss if she chooses to leave but also her decision to stay if that is what she decides to do. 4. How would you assess Ruth’s intervention with Brenda? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? Going back into a potentially dangerous situation was problematic as it was unsafe for both of them. Ruth seemed to take over the situation, not checking with Brenda about what her wants and needs were, and to some degree caused Brenda to make excuses for the state of the house, etc. Once the person is making excuses we are putting them in a position where they have to defend their partners to us. Ruth’s assessment that Brenda would have moved right back into that “hellhole” without Ruth’s help is also worrisome. That was Brenda’s home and she is not the one who made it problematic. Sometimes women stay when they are figuring out what to do. We felt that Ruth was essentially saying “don’t let this person run your life - let me run your life.” If Brenda is not given the opportunity to grow into herself she remains really vulnerable when the next man comes along. 5. What would you see as the next step in pastoral care? When we are looking at accountability for the abusers, certainly the church can help. We need to remember that if we could stop the violence she may want to stay - if we can hold him accountable. But he may punish her by not going back to the church. We have huge concerns related to people not trained in accountability. The faith community may exacerbate the situation by acting in ways that humilates the abuser or makes the abuse seem to be her fault. It has to be Brenda who makes the decisions about church involvement. There are certainly ways the pastor can help. Creating an informed culture in the church would be enormously helpful. Perhaps giving a sermon on domestic violence, having RAVE materials available, or talking about it in a bible study group where we a particular person is not pinpointed but the message is getting out there. The pastor naming abuse and opening the door will bring people forward. Womenspace Staff Response from a Advocate1. What are Brenda’s greatest needs at this time in her life? Based on my understanding of Brenda’s story, I would assess that Brenda most needs someone who can listen, validate and support her as she figures out what she needs to do next for her and her baby’s physical and emotional safety. First and foremost, I would want to make sure that Brenda did not have any immediate medical needs. How did she feel? Was she hurt? Did she need or want to go to the hospital? Could I take her? I identify strongly with Pastor Ruth’s desire to help Brenda out of her relationship and living situation as soon as possible, but I learned as an advocate that oftentimes what women most need immediately after experiencing their partner’s violence is a safe place and person to help them through the immediate crisis, to provide a safe place to rest and figure out their options. After providing some crisis intervention and assessing that her physical health was stable, it sounded to me like Brenda most wanted and needed a pair of sunglasses and two shoes at the point. Helping Brenda meet those needs next seems like a really important first step in listening and building trust with Brenda. 2. How did Pastor Ruth begin to win Brenda’s confidence? I think through her persistence, Pastor Ruth was able to communicate that she cared about Brenda’s well being and was a safe person to talk to about what happened. The story is not very clear in terms of the kinds of things she actually said to Brenda during their initial conversation but I would hope that Pastor Ruth expressed her deep concern and desire to help Brenda, however that made sense to her. I also hope that Pastor Ruth said things like “this isn’t your fault” and “nobody deserves to be treated this way” and offered open-ended questions like “what can I do to help?” while taking her lead from there. Listening, supporting, and believing Brenda were all extremely important for Pastor Ruth to communicate in terms of building trust and confidence between them. It was important that Pastor Ruth not impose her own agenda on what she thought should happen or pass judgment on Brenda or her situation, but that she remain open and supportive through out the encounter. 3. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Brenda’s situation? Local congregations can do so much to support and encourage women like Brenda who are in an abusive relationship. Whether or not Brenda decides to attend and/or speak openly about her experience, Pastor Ruth can model and encourage a supportive, loving, compassionate and nonjudgmental approach to survivors within the church and broader community, as well as a call for real accountability and change for men who use violence against their wives and girlfriends. Additionally, local congregations can support Brenda and other survivors by providing material resources to the local shelter and pantry where they might seek help; they could arrange for an awareness and education campaign about domestic and sexual violence for themselves, for other churches and/or other community groups to get involved with; they could provide space in their church for community survivor support groups; they could provide meals or baby supplies or holiday gifts for the women at the shelter; they could offer transportation to church or Bible studies or errands. Within churches, church leadership could preach from the pulpit or create other less intentional spaces for their members to talk openly about these issues and if Brenda or another survivor were comfortable speaking about her situation during a church event or service, congregational members can individually or publicly validate and support her courage in speaking about her experiences or the issues, they can check in with her on a regular basis, they can invite her into a small group support system, in addition to providing meals, childcare, utility assistance, housing options, educational expenses and additional material support she might need and feel comfortable requesting. In addition, clergy can offer free counseling and be fluent in other local referral resources for her. There are so many ways local congregations can directly and indirectly reach out and support women like Brenda who may or may not initially chose to attend a church or share their story publicly. 4. How would you assess Pastor Ruth’s intervention with Brenda? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? I greatly admire that Pastor Ruth approached Brenda and asked her if she was okay. Too many times, people act as if they are too busy to stop and help or they think it’s not their problem to ask a stranger or community acquaintance if they are okay. I know from doing this work that women have walked around for weeks with black eyes or noticeable bruises without anyone ever asking them if they are okay. I also know of women who have found the courage to call the shelter or ask for help because somebody stopped and took the time to express their concern and suggest a resource. As an outside person, it can be extremely uncomfortable to ask someone if they are okay. Often times we are afraid of being rude or disrespecting them somehow. But if we can understand and communicate care and support (not judgment or scorn), what is the harm in asking someone if they are okay or need help? They may not need help and that’s great. But even for the person who is not ready to name or confront their perpetrator’s violence, it might be the first time she hears somebody outside of her situation express concern for her and that may be a source of strength for her down the road. On a different note, I am fairly certain that I would have considered all other options before going back to Brenda’s house with her at that time, knowing that this was a recent event and that it may not be safe for either of us to return to her apartment. I would definitely have asked if there was anything I could do to help in terms of needing transportation to a safe place, calling someone for help, going to the hospital or even just getting a cup of coffee somewhere nearby. I would have shared with her how concerned I was for her safety, for her and her baby’s health. I would have asked her if she thought she needed medical attention or if she wanted to use my phone. I would have taken my lead from her, and if nothing else, I would have offered to go with her to find another pair of shoes and get the sunglasses that seemed important for her sense of dignity and safety. 5. What would you see as the next step in pastoral care? After walking with Brenda and ensuring her personal and emotional safety through the immediate crisis, I could see Pastor Ruth offering to stay in touch or inviting her to worship with her congregation. Understanding that it is a small town and may not be safe for Brenda to come to church or may not be within her comfort level, religious beliefs, or personal priorities- I would simply offer to stay in touch and to let her know that I was a safe person and resource for her and her child if they ever needed something. If Brenda initiated additional contact and/or desire for prayer or other religious kinds of support, I think it would be entirely appropriate for Pastor Ruth to provide those resources for Brenda. I do not think however that it would be appropriate to put any pressure on Brenda to attend church or to get involved beyond her comfort level at this point. The most important thing to communicate is that her safety and well-being are of utmost importance to you no matter what she decides to do in the future.
Kendra Yoder, MSW/LCSW |
