 |
|
|
Mending Broken Hearts Response from a Pastor1. What are Brenda’s greatest needs at this time in her life? Brenda needs a friend, someone she’s not related to, someone who will listen empathically to her talk about the situation in which she finds herself, someone who will not judge her for choosing to live with Carlson. Brenda doe not need someone to openly display distaste at what has happened to her, with comments such as: “I cannot believe he did this to you.” Reactions such as these may further alienate Brenda and shut down the conversation. She may retreat back into herself because she’s been made to feel that everything about her life is wrong and she was stupid to even speak about it in the first place. Brenda’s greatest need is to have a pastor she can trust; one who can gently (over time) lead her to decide that what is best for her and her unborn child is to leave this volatile situation. Someone who can tell her, when the time is right for her to hear it, that abuse often begins when women become pregnant. And it does not stop but escalates as the pregnancy progresses. As it did for a friend of mine whose final push down the family room stairs ended in a stillborn child. She needs a pastor who also acknowledges Brenda’s feelings of abandoning Carlson but who also can help her see that leaving him alone provides him with the time and space to think about what has happened, perhaps even seek help. Brenda does not need preaching, a pastor who will scold her for becoming pregnant out of wedlock. 2. How did Pastor Ruth begin to win Brenda’s confidence? Pastor Ruth began to win Brenda’s confidence simply by her gentle approach of reaching out to her. She was not judgmental about her black eye or her messy house strewn with broken glass. Other members of the community probably saw Brenda crying on the corner, some town folk may have seen her flee her house that morning but Pastor Ruth was the only one who offered to help. Not an unusual situation considering that rural communities are often not as helpful and/or friendly to strangers as you might expect: particularly if Carlson was one of their home grown boys. In my first pastoral charge, I became friends with a woman who had been married to a local fisherman for 20 years and she told me quite bluntly that even after all this time she was still considered “from away,” an outsider. Because Brenda was a recent resident and an unmarried one, community support might go to Carlson and not this university up-start, who, they might think, probably got him mad in the first place. One cautionary note, if Carlson is a born and bred member of this rural community, pressure may be put on Brenda by others not to associate with the new minister who they do not want digging up bad news. It may be alright for the community to know that Carlson is a bad boy, but it is quite another to have that abuse tied back to his father, an upstanding member of another church who does not believe in the ordination of women. Therefore, if the pastor involved is a female, she must be prepared to be dropped like “a hot potato”. It happened to me during my first rural pastoral charge. A young woman, newly married, who had slowly befriended me stopped calling. And she did not return any of my calls. One day, from her office, she called to say that she could not be friends with me because she had been told that it did not seem right. I never heard from her again. 3. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Brenda’s situation? A local congregation has a lot to offer a woman in Brenda’s situation:
4. How would you assess Ruth’s intervention with Brenda? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? Pastor Ruth was smart, observant and timely in her intervention with Brenda. She was not confined to her role as minister of a particular church. Instead she reaches out when she sees a need and she does so in a gentle way. Her youth and inexperience are on her side in this particular situation. For example, she has not been in her new parish long enough to be constrained by the expectations of the elders/long time members of the church who might caution her to “mind her own business.” Also, Ruth is young enough to be aware of social issues facing young women of her generation. Her education at the seminary may even have addressed the particular issue of abuse against women. The fact that she is young and inexperienced enables her to go where “Angels fear to tread” without any concern for herself and/or her parishioners. I have been in a similar position and acted accordingly. I too reached out to a young woman in a community with strong familial and church ties. I took her for coffee following the abusive event and before I took her home I called to see if the abuser had left the premises. Only then did I accompany the young woman back to her house. After I had listened some more and took stock of the home environment, I told her that I felt she was in a dangerous place and that even if she was not going to leave with me, I had a legal obligation to report what I knew had happened to her. Although she was uncomfortable with this news she understood the wisdom behind what I had to do. I gave her my phone number in case she needed to call late at night and I scheduled another meeting with her the next day. She was not afraid to be alone as she said that her drunken husband would be over his rage and would come home ready to apologize until the next time. 5. What would you see as the next step in pastoral care? Pastor Ruth’s resolve to help Brenda intensified and that is good for Brenda to know that she has a pastor she can trust and who will act on her behalf. How-ever the next step in pastoral care is up to Brenda not Ruth. It is Ruth’s job, should she continue to be involved, to take her cues from Brenda. There is a strong possibility that, at this time, Brenda is only able to receive help in the form of a cup of coffee and an occasional visit. One must remember that the average abused woman leaves home/seeks help many times before she leaves for good. Pastor Ruth is just new to this community and she may not see Brenda leave her common-law partner in her time as minister of the parish. There is a strong possibility that Pastor Ruth will leave her rural congregation for another church before Brenda leaves Carlson. There are so many repercussions for an abused woman leaving her partner. She may be shunned by her friends, his friends, their families and also the church community who believes that marriage vows are for life. One abused woman I know who took herself and her children to the local shelter was told by her mother that if she took her husband to court she would disown her. In fact, she would even go to court on her son-in-law’s behalf so that he could get full custody of her grandchildren. The choices facing abused women are complicated and difficult. Pastor Ruth will have to keep this reality in mind during the roller coaster ride she invited herself on when she saw Brenda on the street corner. Brenda may be a childhood survivor of family violence. She may even have witnessed her father beating her mother on a regular basis. Brenda may not know how to live any other way even if she might like to. As a child she learned to navigate the waters of abuse. She knows what to do in particular abusive situations. And what she does not know is how to live without violence. Leaving her current situation for something unknown is scary; scarier than drunken rages, beer bottles flying through the air and being kicked in the stomach. Pastor Ruth will learn this if she stays by Brenda’s side, listens to her stories, and helps her find her way. Kelly Higgins, MA United Church Minister Fredericton, Canada |
