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Mending Broken Hearts Response from a Advocate1. What do you see as Jill’s greatest needs as she begins life as a single parent with three children? Jill will need a plan for staying as safe as possible at all times. She will need to create a comprehensive safety plan and apply for temporary custody of the children as soon as possible. This way she will be in a better position to win permanent custody during the legal proceedings to come. She will need to show the courts that she is able to support the children and provide a home for them and may need help finding affordable housing and suitable employment. Among her safety options are moving to an undisclosed location, obtaining a restraining order, changing her routines, teaching the children how to call for help, etc. A domestic violence advocate can walk her thorough this process. If possible, the church can offer financial support along with spiritual support. She will probably benefit from a abused women’s support group at a domestic violence agency, and perhaps private counseling to deal with traumatic stress and single parenting challenges as well as grief, guilt and anger issues. Her children may need to attend a program that works with children who have witnessed their father’s abuse of their mother. 2. How did Pastor Dennis begin to win Jill’s confidence? Pastor Dennis first helped win Jill’s confidence by listening to her and believing her. He validated her experiences and didn’t blame her. He continued to stay in contact with her and Robert and dropped in on them for visits. 3. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Jill’s situation? A church congregation could offer prayer and spiritual support. They could continue to remind Jill that the failure of her marriage is not her fault and that God does not want anyone to be abused. In addition, they might offer other more tangible forms of help such as keeping the children while Jill goes to court, goes on job interviews and tries to adjust to single parenting. They might offer to accompany her to court, assist her with finding housing and help her financially in various ways. Church members who are professionals in the legal or counseling fields might offer their services pro bono if possible. Men in the church could help by offering to spend time with her children and helping her with odd jobs around the house. 4. How would you assess Dennis’ intervention with the Smith family? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? Pastor Dennis learned over time that dismissing Robert’s history of violence and then ignoring the on-going abuse was a mistake. He became accountable and educated, intervening in a meaningful way. I’m not sure he would have done so, however, had he not stopped in that night right after a major explosion. He could no longer ignore the danger to Jill and the children. Fortunately, he handled things well from them on out and counseled Jill to leave the abusive marriage. He even testified in court on her behalf, which is unusual for a busy pastor. He is to be commended for this. In a rural community where there were no domestic violence programs available, this pastor was the only resource for Jill. Had I been in his position, I might have also given Jill the national domestic violence hotline number so that she could talk to trained advocates night or day. 5. What would you see as the next step in pastoral care? The next step in pastoral care is to connect Jill with other resources outside of himself, such as those who can assist her with legal, financial and counseling needs. In addition, he can loan her domestic violence books to read such as When Love Goes Wrong by Ann Jones and Susan Schecter, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, Keeping the Faith By Rev. Marie Fortune, Refuge From Abuse by Nancy Nason Clark and Catherine Clark Kroeger, The Lord Hears Your Cries by the American Bible Society, When Love Hurts by Rev Karen McAndless-Davis or the “Anguished Hearts” study curriculum by Presbyterians Against DV. I might also show and discuss with her the video/DVD “Wings Like a Dove” (or “Broken Vows”) by FaithTrust Institute. Julie Owen Response from a Advocate1. What do you see as Jill’s greatest needs as she begins life as a single parent with three children? Jill needs a comprehensive plan that addresses her needs for physical and emotional safety, the safety and security of her children, financial stability, and emotional and spiritual support. Jill’s plan will need to specifically address potential civil justice remedies (ie. dissolution, custody, civil protection order)—which should dovetail with her basic safety plan. She will need to increase her supports over time. This means being willing to sacrifice the need for privacy for a greater sense of security. 2. How did Pastor Dennis begin to win Jill’s confidence? Pastor Dennis listened to Jill, believed her and validated her experiences. He didn’t try to judge or blame her or put her in a position of choosing between her need for safety and her need for spiritual support. He addressed her spiritual fears and offered options. 3. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Jill’s situation? A local congregation can decrease the isolation a victim feels by offering non-judgmental, sensitive, and timely support (individual and group). Support that not only addresses daily needs but long-term challenges faced by survivors and their children. Temporary financial assistance and transportation can provide a victim with economic security and mobility—two very powerful and motivating forces in a victim’s decision to seek safety and support from an abusive situation. 4. How would you assess Dennis’ intervention with the Smith family? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? Dennis’ intervention was remarkable because of his willingness to hold himself accountable: Everyone has the right to make mistakes but everyone has the responsibility to learn from them as well. Calling the offender to account, supporting the victim as she seeks safety and mourning the loss of a relationship are crucial components of the faith community’s response to domestic violence. 5. What would you see as the next step in pastoral care? The next step in pastoral care is to educate other allies in the faith community and to partner with advocates in the secular community. This creates the foundation for a coordinated response to domestic violence that asks each victim or survivor what she needs to repair the harm. Mark Koch Response from a Advocate1. What do you see as Jill’s greatest needs as she begins life as a single parent with three children? Jill needs a safe place to be preserved. For Jill that safe place appears to be her church. Part of preserving that safety involves the pastor referring Jill to appropriate sources outside of the church community. Then if something does go wrong with the counsel she receives, she has not lost the support of her faith community. She also needs resources, an anonymous bank of resources. And she needs the continued support of her faith community regardless of her decision to stay or leave. People who stay are not stupid. People who are battered are very vulnerable and can be pressured toleave. Those who are not prepared toleave, and do, and then reconcile with their partner feel like they have let down their support and are less likely to seek it out a second time. 2. How did Pastor Dennis begin to win Jill’s confidence? We believe he might have handled this issue differently. It was like he took the failure of their marriage on as his own problem and then tried to fix it. It was her problem and he took it on. 3. What might a local congregation offer to a woman in Jill’s situation? The congregation can provide important support and perhaps references to assist Jill in seeking employment. 4. How would you assess Dennis’ intervention with the Smith family? Would you have responded in a different or similar way? Clergy need to realize how dangerous it is for women to leave - in fact it’s the most dangerous time, and they have to be very careful about how that subject is approached. People need to understand how dangerous leaving those relationships can be and that the majority of domestic violence deaths occur when a woman is just leaving or has just left. 5. What would you see as the next step in pastoral care? Jill needs assistance to maintain status as a valued member of her church community, rather than being seen as someone in need. A shift in status can lead to loss of self-esteem related to her faith community, in addition to the loss of self-esteem she has suffered in her marriage. A cautionary word to churches who sometimes ask survivors to come forward to the altar for special prayer—this practice breaks confidentiality and compromises safety. Womenspace Staff |
